OMGN: Nexus

Ever since the death of the Hollywood studio system, movies have been made more and more for strictly mercenary reasons. Because of over utilized product placement, movies often seem like glorified commercials. Other movies are made strictly for the purpose of losing money so that its investors can write it off their taxes. Worse of all, are the movies that are made for both of the 2 above reasons. One such dreadful flick is 2002’s Evil Alien Conquerors .

One product that was obviously displayed for commercial purposes was a certain pornographic magazine that won’t be named here. Another one was much more frequently featured. This was a certain alcoholic beverage that the evil alien conquerors loved so much that they dropped their evil agenda of conquering the Earth so they could get themselves drunk with it as much as possible.

The alleged plot of Evil Alien Conquerors was that these 2 losers were sent to Earth by this loser ruler of this loser planet far off in the Milky Way to conquer planet Earth in 2 days. They are equipped with only swords for the task of beheading everyone on the planet. If they fail, then this 100 foot tall loser giant will be sent to Earth to both kill all the humans and the 2 losers who were sent out in the first place.

Upon their being sent via defective transport device, they arrive at Earth only to find that their swords have shrunk to the size of toothpicks. However, they fail to factor this development in their plans, so they go around telling the earthlings that they encounter that they are “evil alien conquerors” and that they will behead everyone in the next 2 days. When anyone laughs at them or tells them that they’re insane, the aliens say in unison, “you will die without mercy!” There is nothing funny in any of this. Finally, some loser befriends them and takes them in his apartment for the night even though they keep on threatening him and his roommate with beheading.

The very next day, they acquire chainsaws and take their new friend out to a farm where they will demonstrate their prowess in beheading on a cow. They give a lecture to the cow about what great warriors they are. The cow gets bored and walks away from them. They give chase and wind up getting kicked around by the cow. Ultimately, they retreat from the farm shouting threats at the cow that they will return to kill it “without mercy.” The cow scene is the only part of the movie that is even mildly amusing. Unfortunately, this scene lasted only 5 minutes out of a 89 minute motion picture.

This film was one of the the most disgusting, boring, badly acted, awfully directed, poorly written, insulting to the intelligence movies made thus far in the 21st Century.

Evil Alien Conquerors is not a movie that was made to entertain anyone other than its cast, crew and above everyone else, its investors. The producer of this film obviously had no intention of turning out anything even resembling a legitimate movie. This film was one of the the most disgusting, boring, badly acted, awfully directed, poorly written, insulting to the intelligence movies made thus far in the 21st Century. Its not even in the category of “so bad its good.” Its just plain bad. To give you an idea of just how bad this movie was, Tori Spelling successfully demanded that her name not be in the credits. Since Tori Spelling, one of the worst so-called actresses of our time, has proudly associated herself with all sorts of dreck, its really saying something about just how bad Evil Alien Conquerors is.

This is a movie to avoid like the plague.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 17th, 2005 at 12:43am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.